As the Clouds Roll In, Let My Children Win

My kids mean the world to me. Even during the days when they are trying my very last nerve, pushing my buttons and testing the limits, they are and always will be the loves of my life and my top priority.

I’m currently in the midst of a downward spiral. The clouds have been rolling in as my anxiety levels peak once again and my depression takes a deeper hold on my heart and mind. As I’m sure you can imagine, if you’ve had any experience with clinical varieties of anxiety and depression at all, I’m riding an insane emotional roller coaster as well. I’ve probably cried more times than I can count in recent weeks. I’m struggling to find the motivation and energy to do even the small things I usually do on a daily basis: cook dinner, buy groceries, shower and get dressed, etc. Generally feeling like a waste of human life.

I’m tired of looking for work. I’m tired of having every application I submit summarily rejected. I’m tired of hearing about how I don’t do enough. I’m tired of feeling like I’m nothing but a drag on everyone around me. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m tired of being tired. I don’t need anyone to point out my flaws — trust me, I’m way more aware and critical of them then anyone else could ever be. I beat myself up plenty enough for everyone.

I don’t want my kids to live this life of mine. I want better for them. I want them to have the skills and wherewithal to live a successful and fulfilling life — pretty much the exact opposite of the one I unfortunately model. I have to trust that despite all my shortcomings, they will find their way to what they need that will give them the best opportunity for just that and they will be happy with themselves, their jobs/careers, and their lives as a whole.

All of them tend to exhibit varying traits of anxiety and/or depression — though whether each is learned or biological, I just don’t know. Learned gives them the best chance, because biological is a much harder fight to fight. It’s the fight I seem to always be losing. I want my kids to win. Please, let them win.

 

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