Today is day six since I decided to toss out the Zoloft. It worked well for a while (actually, I just looked back and it’s been almost exactly a whole year!) but in relation to my recent bout of insanely high anxiety, depression and non-stop crying spells, I figured maybe I should have listened when my doctor suggested taking a break. Fresh Xanax script on the ready though for fall back, but to be honest, I’ve pretty much just felt a little bit better each day since I’ve stopped taking it — so I haven’t needed the Xanax yet! At this point, I’m pretty sure it should be cleansed out of my system. I’ve been diligent with staying super-hydrated, which I’ve heard helps flush everything out.
This action, of course, isn’t intended to discount the value of a good cry to release a boatload of pent-up emotions and the stress of always having to stuff everything down to be strong for everyone around you… but a good cry shouldn’t really last more than a day or so!
So I’m just about back to my usual ‘bring-me-your-problems-and-I’ll-be-your-rock’ self. Not sure whether that’s good or bad though because it’s precisely that that ends up leaving me feeling so much despair when I finally hit a fill point and find I have no one available to be MY rock. Sometimes that’s the part that makes me the absolutely saddest — feeling like I have no one to turn to for comfort. It’s the price I pay for being so selective with who I will trust, but at least I know that the few people I do are true friends, even if they can’t always be immediately here!
No, my anxiety issues aren’t cured. Zoloft isn’t/wasn’t a cure, it was a coping tool for a quick, temporary fix. I’m going back to trying to work on my self-paced CBT program, and I added myself to the wait-list for an excellent, well-renowned therapist who specializes in exactly my type of issues. Overall, I’m feeling pretty good about those decisions, even though self-affirmations make me feel kind of stupid… (uh, yea… LOL) I’m going to forge ahead and hope for the best. I just need to learn to be more gentle with myself, really. Stop beating the shit out of myself all the time over things I can’t really control.
I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves and I need to stop feeling guilty over things. Guilt kills me. I know in my heart that I did everything I could, and the reality is, that’s all anyone can ever do.
Give it your all and what will be will be.