Seriously. I just can’t. I’m so tired.
Why does everything have to be so f*cking hard? Why do I always feel so alone? Like I’ve got no one ever to lean on or talk to or depend on? I’m just so tired of this horseshit life.
I’m angry and hurt and sad and so many things all at once.
In two weeks it will have been 27 years since my mom passed away. I’m gonna be brutally honest about the fact that I’m still sad and angry about that even! Like, why the hell did she have to leave us all here to figure life out by ourselves?! And I’m not implying that she did it on purpose… I’m sure she didn’t… but why the hell did she though??
It’s so hard having basically no parents to turn to ever, for anything. And I’m so tired of struggling and trying to do everything on my own and having no one to talk things over with and no one to impart any kind of wisdom when it’s needed. And I’m tired of always feeling like there’s no where else to turn.
For the most part it’s pretty much my kids and I against the world. And I’m not lying when I say it feels like all we ever do is lose. I try so hard to try to stay positive and look for the good and all that cliche crap, but the reality of the world is that none of that puts a roof over your head.
That’s the current struggle, but it’s just one of many. This super fabulous capitalistic society is nothing but misery for anyone who doesn’t fit the predetermined molds.
Look, I’m so poor and broken I don’t seem to even be able to afford to live in a trailer in a park! On that note, let’s try talking about how utterly ridiculous that market is! Rent the lot – $400-$800 a month, own the home – with shitty loans at ridiculously shitty interest rates to pretty much ensure you stay poor or end up defaulting because by the time you add that payment to the lot rent and taxes it’s bordering crazy.
Rent a place? Sure. One bedrooms starting at $900 (even in the dumpy areas!) and I need 4 bedrooms and to be allowed to have pets because we have two. Let’s not even get into my work history because of my anxiety and depression and every other issue.
So basically I’m just feeling like we are going to end up homeless in my tiny ass subcompact car. Can’t call up mom for help. Can’t call up dad for help. Everyone else is struggling with their own shit.
I don’t know wtf I’m going to do anymore because I feel like I have absolutely no resources and I sure as shit am out of patience and energy. It feels like the harder I try the worse the outcome. So maybe everyone will fare better without me? I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
What am I supposed to do?
I do the best I can within the limitations of the cards I’ve been dealt, but it just never seems to be enough to get us ahead.
It’s not just me, either: Financial stress is rising for low- and middle-income U.S. households