Forty Winks, Puh-leez!

I’m tired.

Oh. So. Tired.

I haven’t had a decent full night’s sleep in at least a week or so. Why? Because apparently my dog breathes too loud, snores too loud, licks herself too loud, asks to go out and pee at ungodly hours and my wife-to-be’s cat pulls and scratches at doors too loud, wants to eat at ungodly hours and loves to sit on people and stare at them while they sleep.

Does any of this wake me up?

Hell no! It absolutely does not.

I have kids. Those kids were once babies. I’m old. Old and used to noise. I can sleep through just about any freaking thing. I sleep through tree-cracking lightning and thunder storms with strong, screaming winds and crazy torrential downpour. I have mastered the art of subconscious awareness of necessity. I can sort out which noises are important and require I wake up and which ones can just lend themselves to the normative amount of white noise and allow me to peacefully continue sleeping until such point as I am refreshed and well-rested.

Do you know who doesn’t have this skill?

That’s right! My soon-to-be wife!

I don’t know how you grow up in a small but full home in a busy, noisy town and end up unable to discern the differences between must-wake-up-noise and screw-that-I-need-to-keep-sleeping noise, but she simply doesn’t have it.

It’s driving me crazy because, obviously, her huffing and puffing falls into my must-wake-up-noise category — after all, this is the woman I am spending the rest of my life with and I care very much about her. So try though I might, I can’t get a full night’s sleep. Even when I try to force myself back to sleep after being awoken by her grumbling, complaining, tossing and turning and pleas for the dog or cat — whichever animal it may be — to shut up, stop it or go away, I end up riddled with guilt because I *can* ignore it and go back to sleep and she can’t.

But honestly, this is her sleep problem, not mine. I know we share just about everything, but I *wish* she would stop sharing her sleeplessness. What good does it do for us when we are both grumpy, bitchy and sleep-deprived?!

None. Absolutely none.

Anyone have any awesome noise-reducing ear plug recommendations?!

Aye. Yi. Yi.

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