Let the Chips Fall?

I like control. I like security. I like knowing what to do and how to do it, when to do it, and why I’m doing it. I like order. I like lists and schedules, organization, and reasonable plans of action.

I don’t like having absolutely no control — or the feeling of having absolutely no control. I don’t like not knowing what I’m doing or how to do what I feel like I need to be doing. I don’t like waiting. I don’t like this whole “let the chips fall where they may” thing that seems to be occurring in my life right now. It’s driving me to the brink of insanity, seriously. I’m getting so close to completely breaking down that I’m not really sure how much more I can take.

Officially divorced now. Still unemployed. Officially a non-homeowner now. Still without a place to move to with my kids.

My car was totaled in a four car accident on Christmas night and I’ve been away from the kids and without a vehicle for 2 1/2 weeks now. Though I no longer have to worry about making my car payments, I now get to be worried about how I’m supposed to get a dependable replacement vehicle without any income, and how am I going to get any income without a car?

Pretty much just feeling seriously beat up by life at the moment.

I’ve canceled my therapy appointments since I have no way to get to them and I’m really not sure at this point that I’m even going to bother trying to go back once I sort this all out because I’ve also now got no health insurance and there’s no way I’m going to be able to afford self-pay.

It just feels like everything is spiraling out of control in the most negative fashion and it is completely maddening and so very difficult to find a spark of light to hold on to right now.

Stupid chips.

 

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