Losing the war

It’s getting harder to wake up each morning, yet I continue to do so for my children more than anything. They’re almost all grown. Nowhere near ready to tackle life entirely on their own quite yet.

I’m growing more hopeless and tired of struggling all the time.

Every day.

Every single day.

Why is it so hard to get by in this world? Is it because I just can’t conform to the expectations of this ridiculous society in which we exist? Is it because I am ultimately unworthy? I can’t really seem to figure it out. I’ve continued to push ahead and I believe I do the absolute best I can from day to day.

I’ve been working my entire life on trying to find the positive, to be positive. There are days when the only thing I can be positive about is my ability to fail and succumb to the darkness that seethes inside my brain. Where did it come from? Why won’t it go away?

They’re beautiful children. Smart, aware. Sometimes I wonder if they would be better off without me. Maybe the grips of my personal demons are anchoring them.

Lately all I want to do is retreat into the depths of my brain, curl up alone in my bed, and cry until there are no more tears. I can’t. I feel like it’s what I need though. Kind of like a cleansing so I can emerge renewed for the next battle.

There is never enough downtime. The attacks keep coming at me one right after the other, even overlapping at times. I can’t manage to get a breath let alone gather my strength and conviction. Like a phoenix from the ashes, I need to rise. Yet something, something wants to keep that from happening. Something refuses to allow me the chance to ever feel victorious, if even for a fleeting moment.

If the culmination of my life is nothing more than a lost war, what then is the point of all the battles?

I feel so #alone. So #lost. So #hopeless. So #sad. So #angry. So #broken. So… #tired.

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