Tuesday was an interesting day here. I got notice that my divorce complaint was successfully filed and that I now needed to serve my husband and get him to sign an acceptance of complaint. In continuing to try to keep this civil and simple, I obviously served him myself. Directly after, I had to explain what it meant and what happens next because I honestly believe he has no clue. He’s so in denial of reality that he continues to insist that if I was truly being nice, I’d be working on staying together.
I’ve done this pseudo-marriage thing for way too long already. I’ve let it and other people control my life, my decisions and my thoughts either directly or indirectly for way too long. It’s time to be me. Unfortunately, all other things aside — it works like this: You’re straight. I’m gay. I can’t provide you with what you need from me. You can’t provide me with what I need from you. The past ten plus years of pure misery between us has been a prime example of that. Why on earth would you want to continue on in this mess? Unless of course, misery is your happiness.
It’s not mine. I’m ready to move on. Ready to surround myself with positive, uplifting people. Ready to get away from this hiding place that I so erroneously believed was a safe haven, but that in reality was little more than a prison in which I was ruthlessly beat down on a daily basis and passed hateful, harmful, vile thoughts that literally fed my existing insecurities and made me believe I had no worth, no value, and was living the life I deserved because of it! Yea, no! No more of that!
I’m a strong, smart, worthy woman. I’ve raised strong, smart, worthy daughters and a son. We all deserve a chance to follow our dreams and our hearts and to truly know what honest, open, loving relationships and associated family can be like — and dammit, that’s the way it’s gotta be.
So, yes, it’s time to cut the strings, accept myself and those around me for who they truly are and begin anew with the hope and faith that everything is going to be just fine!