Back to the social anxiety. Have been doing pretty well for the past few months, no major breakdowns or panic attacks, but as all other good things, it just couldn’t last forever.
I’ve been feeling pretty anxious lately — and depressed, on and off — some days are better than others and most times I’ve been able to muddle through as I always have, but this time of year gets really difficult for me and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to stuff it all down, even with the therapy sessions and the loving support I have this year. So, clearly, the overall impact of it all is beginning to drag me back a few steps and I can only hope that I can manage to keep it all together and fairly mild because I really don’t want all the progress of the past five months to be for naught.
Winter in general usually sucks for me. Throw in the holidays and it ramps everything up a few extra notches to boot. I was seriously hoping that this year could be different, and it sort of is, but still not exactly ideal and the perfectionist within me can’t seem to let go of wanting that — perfection. Everything perfectly and systematically aligned for the most glorious result. Have to wonder if even that would make it stop, because we all know that “perfection” is a fallacy and can never truly be. I *know* that to be true — wish that I could *feel* it and *believe* it as well. Until the day that I do, I suppose all I can do is keep reminding myself that there is no such thing as true perfection and keep trying to accept what is and make the best of it all while continuing to stay in the moment and not wander through all the scary depths of my over-filled brain.
Never ceases to amaze me how much crap I keep holding in there! Shouldn’t I be running out of room by now? Would be fabulous to just be able to sort through it all like the folders on my laptop, permanently deleting the things that serve no good purpose and hold no promise and then replacing that space with new and positive things. I guess in theory, that’s sort of what I’ve been trying to do, but for some reason I can’t get all the memories past the trash bin and to the permanently deleted phase.
When I started therapy this time around, I laid all of my cards on the table. Mostly because I just wanted to be able to get everything out and done and just move forward working on the here and now and the what is to come. I wanted to stop dwelling on shit that just doesn’t do any good for me anymore — and for a while I managed. But there are so many triggers over this season that it’s really hard to keep it all tucked away and not let it get the best of me.
I’m going to keep trying. I have to. I want to. I just want to be able to be happy with myself. And be able to keep sharing that with those I love and care about the most. That’s seriously my most important goal. It doesn’t have to be *perfect,* it just has to be real.
I’ve come a long way towards learning to love and accept myself, and perhaps part of that needs to be accepting the fact that I have all this darkness in me and just trying to find the right outlet for it where it doesn’t interfere with the rest of my life, the people I love and care about, or sabotage me in those relationships.
I love my kids. I love my girlfriend.
I just want to be able to move forward contentedly with all my worlds finally being one.