Small though it may be to others, my biggest victory as of late is simply the ability to greet each new day fully prepared to try again. I am definitely in the midst of a low period and every day is a struggle. I don’t know when it will end, or what it will take to turn it around. There are so many things right now that feel wholly insurmountable, yet there has to be a way to make them happen — not only for myself and my state of mind, but for my entire family as well.
When I started this silly little blog, I was simply trying to get myself back into the habit of writing. Mostly because I haven’t felt like me for the bulk of my adult life, and the last time I did, I was a prolific writer. I am convinced it was the writing that kept me sane, although not necessarily grounded, but at least it gave me an outlet for all the garbage that gets tossed around in my head. Mix that up with a bit of unbridled creativity and masterpieces are sure to be born.
Yet, something inside of me keeps throwing up all these hazard signs and roadblocks and detours — refusing to let me get back to that place. The place where my writing was my solace, my only true friend, my supporter, my pride, my dream, my ticket to paradise. That place where I once upon a time was able to feel whole and at ease. I need to be in that place again. How do I get there?
Perhaps it is just flat out impossible to ever get back there. “They” say the key to life is to keep moving forward and not to look back, but when I look forward I can’t see. When I look back, I get lost in all the what ifs and if onlys. What I really need is to figure out how to trust myself going forward.
Because I don’t. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I have any skills or the ability. I don’t trust that my thoughts are valid. I don’t trust that I could be anything other than the mess that I am. I don’t trust the world around me. I don’t trust … anything. I have no faith. I’m faithless. Which, I am finding, creates a hugely detrimental aura of hopelessness that invades every aspect of my daily life. I try, I struggle, I fail, and then I drag my beaten down self to bed where I mourn the efforts I have made until finally allowing sleep to rescue me until the next morning’s light.
So, yes, my biggest victory, small as it may be, is that I wake up each day prepared to try again.