Still Standing

“It’s been a long, long road this way
But I’m still standing today,
And I don’t care what anybody say,
‘Cause I’m still standing, I’m still standing today.”

Michael Franti & Spearhead – again.

The past week or so I’ve probably played this song about 100 times or more.

It’s uplifting. It’s motivating. It’s somehow comforting.

I’m coming out of a fog that essentially smothered my entire life. The past 2-3 years I listened to practically no music at all. My audio library was filled with tons of songs, once powerful and meaningful to me, that irritated me to the point that I would rather listen to nothing. It didn’t reach me anymore. It didn’t speak to me anymore. It was just noise. Irritating noise.

It wasn’t the music’s fault. It’s all still really good music.

I’m a big lyrics gal – I’ll listen to almost any genre if the lyrics are strong and speak to my heart and soul in a way that, apparently, I need them to. You’ll notice on my “About” page that the original inspiration for this blog was born from listening to Tori Amos’ “Silent.”

And that’s just it: I was in such a deep, dark, depressing, hopeless place that absolutely nothing was able to reach me. I was a shell. The daily motions of life were pretty much on autopilot. I was numb to everything but pain. And I had songs for pain but even they couldn’t touch me. I don’t know how to explain it any better. I existed but I wasn’t living.

I was dead inside.

I could blame that on circumstances, but the reality is that my circumstances are even worse today. I’m three weeks away from being homeless. I’ve been tweaking my budget over and over for months now trying to find a way to afford something. Searching 3-5 times daily on every listing site.

Stressing. Crying. Cursing life.

But the thing about that is it proves I’m feeling again. I’m finding myself again. I’m not giving up. I’m fighting.

The entire world is in a state of flux. It’s not just me.

So every time I’m in my car, this song gets the repeat button. The volume goes up and I sing out with hope and conviction because I’m still standing.

And that’s worth celebrating.

Love & Light

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