There are days when I mourn her loss, though I never really knew her at all. What I want most is to love her. And what I’m truly mourning I think, is my failure and inability to truly see her, acknowledge her, console her, wrap her up in my arms and love her, encourage her, and help her grow to see safety in the world around her so that she can become the best she can be.
I like control. I like security. I like knowing what to do and how to do it, when to do it, and why I’m doing it. I like order. I like lists and schedules, organization, and reasonable plans of action. I don’t like having absolutely no control — or the feeling of having absolutely no control. I don’t like not knowing what I’m doing or how to do what I feel like I need to be doing. I don’t like waiting. I don’t like this whole “let the chips fall where they may” thing that seems to be occurring in
The funny thing I’m realizing about my anxiety is that when it gets out of hand, it’s because I let it get out of hand. I don’t say that as a way to place blame on myself — trust me, I have plenty of blame and guilt already and I don’t need anymore. What I’m beginning to realize, is that anxiety is more of a control issue. If I control the situation before it gets out of hand, an anxiety/panic attack will have been successfully diffused. Yes, I realize that it’s not always that simple in practice; but it’s also