Seriously. I just can’t. I’m so tired. Why does everything have to be so f*cking hard? Why do I always feel so alone? Like I’ve got no one ever to lean on or talk to or depend on? I’m just so tired of this horseshit life. I’m angry and hurt and sad and so many things all at once. In two weeks it will have been 27 years since my mom passed away. I’m gonna be brutally honest about the fact that I’m still sad and angry about that even! Like, why the hell did she have to leave us
This morning my middle child – a senior in high school – broke down in the car before school. She’s stressed, overwhelmed and basically scared of the unknown after high school. Her entire educational career she has literally been a straight A student. I don’t think she has *ever* brought home a grade lower than a 92 on a report card. Tears streaming down her face, she says she just wants to fail school. She is stressed over everything — all the projects for school, college applications, financial aid processes, the seeming permanence of having to choose a career path.
I like control. I like security. I like knowing what to do and how to do it, when to do it, and why I’m doing it. I like order. I like lists and schedules, organization, and reasonable plans of action. I don’t like having absolutely no control — or the feeling of having absolutely no control. I don’t like not knowing what I’m doing or how to do what I feel like I need to be doing. I don’t like waiting. I don’t like this whole “let the chips fall where they may” thing that seems to be occurring in