Can’t take it

Seriously. I just can’t. I’m so tired. Why does everything have to be so f*cking hard? Why do I always feel so alone? Like I’ve got no one ever to lean on or talk to or depend on? I’m just so tired of this horseshit life. I’m angry and hurt and sad and so many things all at once. In two weeks it will have been 27 years since my mom passed away. I’m gonna be brutally honest about the fact that I’m still sad and angry about that even! Like, why the hell did she have to leave us

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Losing the war

It’s getting harder to wake up each morning, yet I continue to do so for my children more than anything. They’re almost all grown. Nowhere near ready to tackle life entirely on their own quite yet. I’m growing more hopeless and tired of struggling all the time. Every day. Every single day. Why is it so hard to get by in this world? Is it because I just can’t conform to the expectations of this ridiculous society in which we exist? Is it because I am ultimately unworthy? I can’t really seem to figure it out. I’ve continued to push

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Working with Anxiety: Arrrgghhhh

I’m feeling the strain especially hard these days. The contract work I’ve been doing the past year or two has fizzled out and the bank account is working its way down to zero — yet the bills continue to accrue. The simple fact that I need to find another way to bring in some money in order to continue to live is obviously presenting itself as yet another stressor in regard to my already moderate to severe anxiety levels. I think I’ve mentioned in the recent past that I am back on medication (sertraline HCI – the generic equivalent of Zoloft®)‎,

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Brilliance Lost: A Short Tale of Driving Home

So I’m driving home from work the other day, and as is customary with me, there are millions of thoughts racing through my head, scenarios being played out, flashbacks popping in from past experiences — suddenly I find myself mentally narrating through the most awesome opening paragraph for my story! Fabulous! It was completely inspired. It filled me with the warmest sense of pride, accomplishment and belief in myself that I’ve felt in years. It’s gone now. My brain moves too dang fast to hold onto that beautiful narration long enough to get home and get it down. This is

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Crossroads: ACK! Too Many Decisions…

2012 is working out to be extremely challenging and life-altering. There is so much going on and each and every thing represents major life changes and hard decisions. It’s almost too much to take, but there’s no out this time. They all have to be dealt with — and soon. I’m caught in a whirlwind of uncertainty.  My sole source of income is withering to its death. I need to find a way to finish school and/or find a new source of income that comes close to what I’m losing. The kids’ father has been dealing with a work injury

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