Yes, yes it is!
Amidst all the other changes currently in process, I have opted to also throw in therapy. Year of change it is! I’m hopeful that 2012 essentially marks the beginning of my new life as a whole being. This isn’t my first go at therapy. I have been in and out, here and there, dabbling in various methodologies and modalities since I was about 12 years old. Never, ever once before did I emerge from my initial consult with as much a sense of hope and belief that this could possibly be one of the best choices I have ever made in my life — until now.
Granted, I’m walking into it this time from a completely different standpoint and with a clear idea of the goals I want to attain. Not specific details, mind you, but a solid general goal. And after last month’s breakdown, I’ve come back *feeling* like a renewed person with a fresh belief in the possibilities of life and my abilities to attain them. Maybe “renewed” isn’t even the right word, because I’m not sure I ever really had any such belief before. The world around me looks less dim, less frightening, less intimidating. I can’t really explain it. It’s almost as if that breakdown, at that point, was the culmination of the past 20 years of every single negative thing in my life finally being cleansed away. I feel like I’m coming up for air for the first time in forever.
On the surface, to those who don’t know me well (and there are few who truly do) it may have seemed to be something superficial and evidence of my weakness. I’ve thought about that a lot since, and I couldn’t possibly disagree more. It was evidence of my strength. The strength that it took to carry all of that crap around with me for all of these years and still manage to function. The strength it took to constantly know inside myself that I was living a false life and yet continuing to do so for the sake of meeting the standards of society (Oh, I don’t even want to get started on my issues with the expectation of society today — that could run seriously long!). And then the strength of continuing this masquerade because people were depending on me to do it.
That week or two of constant tears was the release of everything. *Everything*
I mourned for my lost childhood, I mourned for the abuses I have suffered, I mourned for the time lost that could have been spent in a real and true loving relationship. I mourned for the damage this masquerade has imposed upon my children — my very life’s blood! I mourned for lost opportunities, lost family members, my mother, my grandmother, my lack of family relation, never having had a true father/daughter relationship, all the years I spent afraid to live or move on and make decisions based on the fear that I would die at 38 just like my mother… seriously, it was everything. Every fleeting thought brought up another thing and until it was all said and done, there honestly wasn’t a single thing left that I hadn’t confronted, expressed my feelings regarding, and finally accepted and made peace with. I think I needed exactly that. It was time to for this to happen. So it happened. And now — here I am.
Where is here? Here is at a place in my life when I’ve decided that I need to come first. That I need to take care of me. That I *have* needs! That I have desires and dreams and talents and skills! That I have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to truly fear. That I really do want to have nothing but healthy relationships going forward. That there is absolutely nothing wrong with and no guilt to be burdened by over wanting to be able to share my life with another person. No shame in admitting that sometimes I just want to be held and loved and cared for. No shame or guilt in admitting that I don’t want to be everything to everyone anymore. No shame or guilt in admitting that sometimes I need help, sometimes I need someone to take care of me for a while, that it’s okay to not bear all the responsibilities for everything and everyone around me on solely on my own shoulders.
So then, what the hell am I going to therapy for? Because all these things are things that I don’t fully know how to do on my own. My brain isn’t programmed to be compatible with them… and I want it to be. Avoiding therapy at this point would be wasting the opportunity I’ve been afforded to make lasting lifelong changes in my patterns of thought. I’m not willing to go back to before — EVER. My focus has shifted from drowning in the sorrow of my life to focusing on today in order to create the tomorrow that I want and deserve. I deserve peace and happiness. I deserve love and affection. I deserve hope and faith. We all do.
What I love about this new therapist is that she’s completely action-oriented. That we are working this treatment plan together, and that the focus isn’t then, but rather now. It’s all going to be about coping skills and thought patterns, affirmations, positive thinking and none of that rehashing Freudian concepts as they apply to my entire past. The past is gone, it’s over, it’s done. I don’t want to live there anymore. I’m looking ahead to a bright new future and will be working on the skills and strategies that will lead me there. It feels good. It feels right. The time is good. The time is right.
I’m looking forward to emerging from this cocoon as the person I was meant to be 😉
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler. ~ Henry David Thoreau