One of these things is not like the other.
One of these things doesn’t belong.
Can you tell which thing is not like the other
by the time I finish this song?
— Sesame Street
Ah, yep, me. I don’t belong.
It’s not a new feeling. I’ve honestly never, ever, in my entire life for as far back as I have memories felt like I ever belonged anywhere.
Not within the circle of my immediate family, my extended family, amongst my peers at school, or even those few years where I tried going to church and Sunday school. Granted, I grew up holding on to a lot of secrets I had to keep which made opening up to anyone pretty impossible. I’m stilling holding on to a lot of them, actually. So I guess it sort of makes sense in the context of being unable to just relax around anyone and simply be whoever I am.
On those rare occasions where I’ve felt like I could share my past realities with someone it tended to backfire in a way that made me feel like I was suddenly being viewed as weak and damaged. So much so, that it eventually undermined the entire relationship anyway. Perhaps that was pride of some sort? I’m not really sure.
I am damaged though. I wager pretty much every one of us is in some way or another. It seems an unavoidable consequence of life. The trouble I’m having is how to embrace who I am, what I’ve been through, and be able to be open and honest about it without feeling like it’s a life sentence to being viewed as less-than, while also not intentionally inflicting pain and suffering on other people around me (other family, really) who may or may not be aware of any of it and who I don’t feel deserve to have to face something that maybe didn’t impact them at all. Did that make sense? I don’t know that I explained that properly…
That’s where the anonymity of this particular blog comes in. When I started this years and years ago, I thought maybe it would be a place where I could release that voice within me that I am constantly having to silence in my everyday life without impacting anyone else close to me. But even under the anonymity of this, I struggle with thoughts of ‘what-if’: what if they find this blog? what if they make the connection between it and me? what if I reveal too much? and so on and so forth. There are literally thousands of ‘what-ifs’ floating around in my head at any given point of time. It’s very tiring.
On the other hand, what if opening that Pandora box of reality is exactly what I need in order to allow myself to finally feel whole and free?