Everyone talks about it, fantasizes about it, reads about it, watches movies and television shows about it, dreams about it and wants it — LOVE. It’s the stuff that makes life worth living and dreams worth dreaming — that close, personal, intimate relationship. The kind where you can share any and every thing with that one special person and know that no matter what they are still going to want you, to need you, to love you. That they will neither pass judgment nor hold a grudge against you. Someone who trusts you and believes in you — even when you can’t seem to trust and believe in yourself.
It’s the sense of calm that overcomes you when they wrap their arms around you or kiss you gently and when you’re apart from each other and you think of them — picturing their face, their smile, their eyes, recalling their scent, the sound of their voice, the feel of their hand in yours. It’s secure and it’s safe. It’s beautiful and simple and perfect — even when it isn’t.
I never really believed in real love. Now I can’t imagine how I ever lived before. I’m not even sure that I actually did live before.
All I know is that since finally realizing and accepting that love truly does exist, there is no way I could ever live without it. No way I could ever live without her. No way I could ever go back to who I was and how I lived before her.
And I don’t ever want to.
Sure, I’ve completely turned my life upside-down and everything is currently in a huge state of potentially disastrous turmoil — but where I would otherwise give up and give in, she gives me the strength and courage to go on. Maybe turning my life “upside-down” was what I needed in order for my life to be right-side-up! Maybe the life I was living was the upside-down version and now I’m on the right path for me.
One thing is definite — you aren’t going to find me back in the closet ever again. It’s much too beautiful out here — and so much less chaotic inside myself. All the tumultuous changes I’m working through externally are about 1000 times less painful than all the crazy emotions, confusion and self-hatred I carried around inside for most of my life — that alone makes it all worth whatever it takes.
I’m worth it. She‘s worth it. We are worth it.